Zachary, Dawn of The Awakening.

Raymond Springer

Book Cover

GENRE

ACTION POLITICAL SCI-FI SUSPENSE / THRILLER WAR RELIGIOUS FANTASY EPIC

    Core Theme

    OVERCOMING EVIL, SALVATION

    TIME PERIOD

    Contemporary

    COMPARABLE TITLES

    X-MEN, MARVEL'S AGENTS OF SHIELD, INHUMANS, THE DEFENDERS, RUNAWAYS

    CHARACTER LIST


    • JACOB: MALE. 120. STOIC, LEADER, STRENGTH AND TELEPATHY POWERS.

    • WADE: 50S, SPEED AND DEXTERITY POWER, KICKASS, LIVELY, COMEDIC

    • ILA: 40-50S FEMALE, NURSE, HEALING POWER, INTUITIVE, CALM, COMFORTING

    • SAMANTHA: 16 FEMALE, TELEKINETIC POWER, SHY, FLEDGLING

    • SUSAN: 40S, FEMALE, PROPHECY POWER, SPOKESPERSON

    Logline

    Two enemy factions race toward a childbirth: The Circle of Benediction, a secret society whose mission is to destroy anyone with supernatural abilities, and the Watchers, on underground group sworn to protect those with powers. The Watchers, led by Jacob Pennington- an elderly man of unnatural strength- secures the child before the Circle destroys him. But can they keep him alive with the limitless resources the Circle Held up at Pennington's Rampart Industries, the Watchers will make their stand. The birth of this child changes everything... and so would his death.

    Genre

    Fantasy, Sci-Fi

    Target Audiences

    Age: 13-17

    Target Gender: Universal

    Setting

    The author has not yet written this

    Based on a True Story

    No

    Starting Description

    The author has not yet written this

    Ending Description

    With the help of friends, the Watchers will prevail in keeping the child alive, after a huge clash of guns and supernatural ability, only to be taken out the back door by someone from within.

    Group Specific

    The author has not yet written this

    Pitch Adaptation

    In a modern world, where supernatural abilities are only myth and speculation, there is a hidden group of people who must fight for survival from their enemy, The Circle of Benediction. With the birth of the prophesied child, comes great change and the full use of abilities which have not been seen on Earth in six millennia.

    WGA Number

    The author has not yet written this

    Mature Audience Themes

    The author has not yet written this

    Plot - Other Elements

    ,What if supernatural abilities were within us all?,Twist,Coming of Age

    Plot - Premise

    Overcoming Monster/Villain,

    Main Character Details

    Name: Zachary is a baby in book 1. So the main character would be Jacob. He is old, but not tired. Is mother was a telepath and his father one of super strength and size. Combining the powers provided him with an additional power to place suggestions on someone's mind. He has saved so many from the Circle.

    Age: 120

    Gender: Male

    Role: Mentor

    Key Traits: Aggressive

    Additional Character Details

    Name: Jacob Pennington

    Age: 120

    Gender: Male

    Role: Protagonist

    Key Traits: Badass,Aggressive,Masculine

    Additional Character Details

    Name: Father Conrad Marco

    Age: 30'ish

    Gender: Other

    Role: antagonist

    Key Traits: Masculine,Badass,Aggressive,Religious

    Additional Character Details

    Name: Eric the prophet

    Age: 100

    Gender: Male

    Role: emotional

    Key Traits: Unapologetic

    Genre

    ACTION, SUSPENSE, THRILLER, RELIGION, POLITICS, FANTASY, DRAMA

    Brief

    Two superhuman leagues become aware of the birth of a prophesied baby boy. The race toward the hospital, where the protagonist group, The Watchers, secures the child before the antagonists, known as The Circle of Benediction, could get hold of him. They take him to a compound and do their best to keep him safe. After about two weeks, FEMA agents come looking for the child, and a major fight breaks out. A third player, the high-tech computer scientist member of the Watchers named Bobby, takes the baby in the chaos and makes a run for it.

    Overall Rating

    FAIR

    Point of View

    SCRIPT

    Narrative Elements

    Authors Writing Style: FAIR

    Characterization: FAIR

    Commerciality: FAIR

    Franchise Potential: FAIR

    Pace: GOOD

    Premise: FAIR

    Structure: GOOD

    Theme: FAIR

    Accuracy of Book Profile

    Genre is incomplete, and should include: Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Drama, Action, Religion, Politics

    Draw of Story

    The supernatural powers of different characters are immediate and have an X-Men quality to their varied nature. They are expanded upon in several clear instances, but are shown first so that the audience is immediately aware of their presence. They start small and escalate in severity as the intensity of the third act takes hold.

    Possible Drawbacks

    The grammar and punctuation of the script are currently in need of proofreading. In terms of style and content, there are many themes going on. There is the presence of powers and science, which struggle to really share the same space. It seems the powers are mostly unexplained in terms of biological nature, and most of what the reader knows is that they are hereditary. The most glaring issue is the presence of Biblical ties and an interrelation between the focus of the story, the newborn half-angel Zachary, and the other superhuman figures whose powers are not stated as being a result of any secular influences. This mash of themes is confusing at times, and serves mainly to muddy what is at its core a clone of the X-Men mutant school trope.

    Use of Special Effects

    THE STORY RELIES HEAVILY ON SPECIAL EFFECTS

    Primary Hook of Story

    The supernatural powers of different characters are immediate and have an X-Men quality to their varied nature. They are expanded upon in several clear instances, but are shown first so that the audience is immediately aware of their presence. They start small and escalate in severity as the intensity of the third act takes hold.

    Fanbase Potential

    For those looking for another mutant-human sci-fi series to binge, this could fill that niche. Competing in the same space as as the big superhero productions, even in the TV space, sounds like a hard market to break into. If the characters get more development in the rest of the property (this script included "Book 1" in its title to indicate there is further development of this IP) then perhaps the backstory of these unlikely heroes could be enough to sway a content-hungry sci-fi audience.

    Awards Potential

    Not likely. The many themes being juggled and the lack of a single driving narrative thread make this more likely to attain praise as one-off or weekly serial than a boundary-breaking new IP.

    Envisioned Budget

    MEDIUM BUDGET

    Similar Films/TV Series

    MARVEL'S AGENTS OF SHIELD, INHUMANS, THE DEFENDERS

    What’s New About the Story

    The presence of prophets and those with the ability to foresee likely events adds an element of fate that is not often baked into the superhero/superhuman trope. While that is an engaging narrative driver, it does not take away from the fact that the mutant school and a league of do-good superhumans is already a popular sci-fi trope. In order to enhance the individual nature of this IP, there needs to be some development (which may exist in later installments of the IP not reviewed by this reader) as to the nature of the boy Zachary's blood. The focus on scientific explanations for their development and something more down-to-earth than aliens/God/Angels could perhaps spawn a property that attracts an audience who enjoys its attachment to realism.

    Lead Characters

    The main characters Jacob and Wade make goof foils for one another. Jacob is in his 120's and incredibly strong while Wade is much younger and quite fast. They each take on different higher level responsibilities, are intelligent, responsible and empathetic, but they have different means of operating. In this way, it is good to see two platonic male leads that don't have an underlying competition between them. There are many strong female characters, and it seems possible to gender swap many of the characters now as needed.

    Uniqueness of Story

    This is an average story currently. There is not enough clarity in the plot and lore to really elevate this property to the next level. If some of the ideas are pared down and there is a strong focus on establishing the origins of the superhuman powers, the protagonist-antagonist relationships, and the presence of science in the narrative--then there is a chance this property could be considered a gem.

    Possible Formats

    Film - Studio, Film - Streaming, Film - Indie, TV Series - Network, TV Series - Cable, TV Series - Limited Run / Mini-Series, TV Series - Streaming

    Analyst Recommendation

    WORK IN PROGRESS

    Justification

    Outside of the glaring grammatical errors that suggest the script is in its early drafts, there is a noticeable lack of character description and attention to detail. Dialogue is uneven--often stoic and detached before shifting to very personal and much more realistic. The tonal imbalance is further muddied by a lack of strong character descriptions for many characters, though this issue is second to the more pressing dialogue problems. In regards to theme, the landscape of the script is overflowing with influences and there is no clear desire to settle on science, sci-fi, or religion as the mode of lore explanation from the point of the viewer. Overall the script lacks the touches of clarity and precision that more worldbuilding and drafting would help it to achieve.

    Tips for Improvement

    The dialogue could use a few rounds of revision to help with tone and consistency. While this is in the works, the lore of the story could be pared down or simply elongated in the viewer's time frame. It would be more preferable to read about the characters interacting with the world, rather than the onslaught of antagonist-protagonist exposition regarding the religious and sci-fi elements that make up the world. Strong dialogue could include these facets without the need for such a laborious first act.

    Brief

    When a prophesied baby is born, a group of superhuman heroes known as the Watchers must rescue him. The antagonist group known as the Circle of Benediction has plans to destroy the child, and one of their members is not certain that he agrees. After being outcast for his beliefs, this prophet seeks out the Watchers to warn them of the danger that faces the newborn, as well as the boy's role as the leader of a great army that will bring about global change.

    What We Liked

    - The story has unique characters with interesting powers and a mix of diverse abilities. The plot has good pacing and ramps up well as the heroes believe they have succeeded, only for a sudden twist to sweep the rug out from under them. There is good attention to the plot progression and quite a bit is accomplished with a conservative number of sets in mind. While the characters are well-defined, there is room for character growth and a potential for the development of several backstory hooks to spin out conflict as the series progresses.
    - For film this could serve as the first film in the series and end on a strong cliffhanger, or this could serve as the first two acts of a standalone flick.
    - For TV this seems like the arc of the first half of season one. In between the plot that exists there is room for character interest and romantic interests to form. There is plenty of space for a development of both the government forces and the Circle of Benediction without over complicating the current plot.

    Synopsis

    Local police receive a call of an explosion on a suburban neighborhood. Upon checking out the scene, they find a newborn child alone in the house, its umbilical cord seemingly burnt off. The news of the child's birth is prophesied by members of the protagonist group The Watchers, though the reader first sees the prophet of the antagonist group known as the Circle of Benediction. The group hosts a meeting and begins preparing to steal the newborn.

    The Watchers arrive first on the scene, Ila a local nurse, is met up with her friend and Watcher leader Jacob. The two secure the newborn and are driven off by second in command Wade. On the way to a helicopter we learn about the nature of superhuman powers, as well as the fact that Jacob is 120 years old. When the group arrives at the helicopter they are attacked by gunman. They are dispensed with telekinetic force. The group arrives at their compound known as Rampart Industries. There we meet the computer tech Bobby, the Spokeswoman and Prophet Susan, Shawna and her leopard, the Doctor, and later the unstable fiery figure Aghiad.

    The group secures the child and begins working on a defense plan. Meanwhile a tertiary figure known as Conrad has been observing the operations from outside the Rampart. New recruits, including the telekinetic Wexford children and their parents, are shown around the facility in an attempt to show transparency to the public and to pick up new superhumans.

    As the child grows, tests are done and it seems he is an anomalous figure, a half-angel made by God himself, and a potential destroyer of the Circle of Benediction. After about a week of contact, the Circle Prophet known as Eric arrives with his bodyguards to talk to Jacob about the newborn, Zachary, and his future. Eric wants to protect the boy, and though his spine is damaged and he cannot walk, Eric says he had a vision of the boy standing at the lead of a great army. Jacob takes this information and allows the Circle Prophet to stay at the Rampart, after which Eric reveals that there is a mole among them. Not long after, Conrad breaks into the compound and confronts Wade and Jacob. He attacks the two, breaking Jacob's jaw before being captured by Shawna and her leopard.

    As this is going on, FEMA agents descend on the compound, forcing Jacob to respond to them and allow them to enter the facility. With quick thinking, Jacob asks to call his ""attorney."" He calls several of his ex-Army friends and proceeds to stall until they arrive.

    A fight breaks out when the men arrive and try to force FEMA away from the compound. Several are injured and a few are dead as the superhumans, including the newly recruited Wexfords, attack the FEMA squad members. When the fighting dies down, Bobby reveals herself as the mole by unleashing sleeping gas in the compound. Wearing a mask, she grabs Zachary and makes her escape, only to be pursued by the Circle Prophet and his guards.

    About The Author

    Known for his out of the box writing style and complex plots, Raymond Springer puts great effort to engage the reader with character depth. He served in the US Army for four years and as a police officer for 21 years. He is a father of 5 children and a follower of Christ. He is the author of several other sci-fi books published by Black Rose Writing.